Frandsen A Legitimate Target?

Gossip. Rumour. Tittle-tattle and idle hearsay is what it’s all about during the media's ‘silly season’, a time when only absolute bollocks is reported because there’s nothing legitimate, or even remotely interesting to write about.

With paper to be wasted, newspapers stuff their blank pages with stories of who Jordan’s shagging, Charlotte Church smoking ‘large, roll up cigarettes’ and the all-important Shane Ritchie debt-o-meter.

But, if the truth be told, Bluebirds.tv is interested in this type of ‘novelty’ reporting, only in a different context. At this time of year, kiss and tell stories or the Big Brother losers are not given a second thought. Only one thing occupies the mind of this dedicated City fan – football transfers.

Unconfirmed speculation creates a buzz around the club and gives the supporters hope, but the stories must be believable and non-contradictory for them to appear valid – two factors missing from the South Wales Echo’s latest article.

With a bare back page staring back at the sportsdesk hours before deadline, and with only tired old news about missing out on Jason De Vos and probably Julian Gray needing to be recycled and padded out to 500 words, what better way to keep the editor sweet than to toss some transfer gossip into the mix?

Lennie Lawrence’s sloth-like performances in the transfer market are bound to be the basis of many ‘nearly’ signings over the coming weeks, but they need to be researched a little before going to press, otherwise they just don’t ring true.

Apparently, City’s number one central midfield target was not Lee Bullock, an exciting young prospect going for a song, but ageing former Bolton midfielder Per Frandsen, who conveniently joined play-off nearly men Wigan almost a week ago.

If Cardiff are faffing around over whether or not to sign a desperate kid from York then how could a move for a big earner like Frandsen even be contemplated?

While Lee Bullock’s proposed wage would be meagre to say the least, Frandsen would be looking for a lucrative salary after playing for moneybags Blackburn and twice for Bolton, a club now set to sign Rivaldo on wages in excess of £100,000 per week.

And fans begrudged Gareth Whalley his 23-match bonus.

The more Bluebirds.tv thinks about it, the more unrealistic this transfer sounds. You have been rumbled, South Wales Echo, there is no way Frandsen was even a back-up target, let alone a primary one.

Furthermore, at 34-years-old, Lennie would have ruled him out instantly after his ‘I don’t want a squad full of 30 year olds’ comment last week when rejecting Nathan Blake’s plea to return to Ninian Park.

What next? Paul Gascoigne lined up to play alongside Kav because Rhyl couldn’t afford to pay him enough kebab money?

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

While kicking a ball and poncing around in designer clothes must be classed as a ‘hobby’ and not really ‘work’ as such, the woman at the Job Centre helpline begged to differ, even after half an hour of arguing the point with Bluebirds.tv and threatening to report the call to British Telecom.

She was adamant football is as much a job as working on a building site or driving a taxi, because apart from getting paid for what they do, the players have other interests besides the beautiful game and don’t spend ‘after hours’ work practicing taking penalties or doing keepy-ups in the garden, unless they are Michael Owen of course.

It is well documented that Alan Shearer enjoys creosoting his garden fence and Keith Gillespie spent more time at the bookies than was good for him, so as the rest of us slave away thanklessly for the minimum wage, Bluebirds.tv was interested to know what the terrace idols at Ninian Park do with their leisure time in between training, checking their bank balance and playing the odd game of football.

Does Barker collect butterflies? Is Campbell keen on crotchet? As yet, both are unconfirmed, but this week Lennie Lawrence revealed he enjoys nothing better than switching off his two mobile phones (how Hollywood) and going for a jog to escape the day-to-day rigours of (Ninian) Park Life.

“One day I just started running” he said in a soft Southern drawl. “It's probably the only 'hobby' I have - there just isn't time for anything else.”

While it’s not for Bluebirds.tv to suggest what Lennie does in his waking hours, spending less time avoiding the dog mess on Heath Park and more time pulling his finger out in the transfer market should be enough to keep him occupied.

Even though the Football League season doesn’t officially end until the last play-off final ball is kicked on Bank Holiday Monday, City may have already lost out on four potential transfer targets, because Lennie has been too busy stretching his legs rather than the club’s limited transfer budget.

Former Wigan defender Jason De Vos, the perfect antidote to Lennie’s sickening for a ‘big and ugly’ defender, joined Ipswich on a free transfer this afternoon, while former Bluebird Mark Delaney has vowed to fight for his place at Villa Park, or join either Newcastle or Middlesbrough, depending on who you believe.

Winger Julian Gray, a former loan signing and a player keen on a move to the Welsh capital, is unlikely to join either. City were not prepared to stump up £800,000 to secure his services when he was unwanted and unloved at Crystal Palace, but scintillating performances following his return to Selhurst Park is likely to ensure Premiership football for Gray next season, whether the Eagles win promotion or not.

City are also stalling on the £75,000 (12 ½ weeks of Gareth Whalley’s wages) transfer fee to sign York midfielder Lee Bullock. If the club doesn’t move soon then vultures Leeds, Leicester, Nottingham Forest, both Sheffield clubs or the mighty Stockport County are circling.

In the event that Cardiff have missed out on all of the above players, City's failsafe transfer system of showing-interest-but-not-following-it-up-allowing-another-club-to-step-in added another player they won’t sign to the list, step forth Millwall goalkeeper Tony Warner.

The former Liverpool and Celtic stopper has all the credentials of a sound transfer target, therefore ruling him out of a move to Ninian Park.

Highly rated, available on a free transfer and, at 6ft 4ins, has the imposing between-the-sticks presence both Alexander and Margetson have failed to provide.

Make a move, Lennie, and let’s not have a repeat of last year’s transfer fiasco.

Blake Not Returning To Ninian Park

Getting the all-clear from the G.U.M. clinic after a drunken three-stroker with the cackling wench from Canton, or when that bird you’ve been knocking off for a few weeks takes a home-pregnancy test and it comes back negative.

Both great senses of relief, but not as great as the news this afternoon when Lennie Lawrence firmly dispelled any chances Nathan Blake had of making a return to Ninian Park.

"Signing Nathan would be popular with a lot of our supporters - but my job is to get us results," said Lennie, clearly unimpressed with Blake’s solitary goal in 13 Premiership appearances for Wolves this season.

Even if it is an improvement on Alan Lee’s.

The goal Blakey scored to dump Premiership outfit Manchester City out of the FA Cup in 1993 will always be remembered, but that was 11 years ago and apart from a 25 goal haul for Bolton in 1996/97, he has done very little since.

Earlier this week five-times relegated Blake, who helped City win promotion to Division Two in 1993, admitted "it would be good to play for the club again".

Call Bluebirds.tv cynical but where he talks about ‘the’ club, it is difficult not to replace it with the word ‘any’.

But while the unemployed Welsh international desperately talked-the-talk and improvised an accompanying walk, Lawrence refused to budge.

"Nathan Blake is not on my list. I don't want a club full of players in their 30s."

Just how first teamers Martyn Margetson (32), Gary Crofit (30), Tony Vidmar (34), John Robinson (32), Graham Kavanagh (30), Gareth Whalley (30) and Peter Thorne (30) react to this news remains to be seen.

Premiership Football in Two Seasons

When not commenting on the daily goings on at Ninian Park or speculating on / creating idle transfer gossip, Bluebirds.tv spends its time, placard in hand and sandwich board over shoulders, advocating safe and sensible sunbathing now that summer is creeping upon us.

The three rules to live by are simple:

1. Use a high-factor sunblock
2. Always wear a baseball cap (full marks to the jobless pond life that hang around Bluebirds.tv towers and throw stones at the windows - they love number two!)
3. And, if you are out in the garden sunbathing, for goodness sake wrap a towel around your legs.

These suntan-avoiding techniques are faxed almost daily to Lennie’s office but it appears he hasn’t heeded the warnings and has come down with a bout of sunstroke. That is, unless, those cruel ‘Mad Lennie’ jibes have some substance after all.

“We are expected to reach the Premiership within two seasons”, he said, pausing for the nurse to feel his forehead and pop a thermometer in his mouth.

“Nobody, not even Sam, has said that to me but we have to earn promotion to the Premiership or be as close as you can in two seasons.”

"The new stadium will be growing before our eyes in the meantime and that will increase expectation for Cardiff City to take the next step.”

What? Work on the new stadium? Nurse! Come back!

Knock Outs, Knock Backs & Knock Offs

While Len Ashurst’s testimonial against Birmingham was nothing to write about, Bluebirds.tv is unduly concerned that, due to an uncontrollable need for liquid refreshment, missed Earnie’s winning goal shortly before half-time.

Forking out a tenner and missing the only goal of a dull and pointless match is neither here nor there to Bluebirds.tv, or that Lennie Lawrence may have cast an eye over veteran Jason Perry as a replacement for Spencer Prior. Bluebirds.tv is a little anxious, however, that it may have missed Robert Earnshaw’s last goal for the club if the Welsh tabloid rumour mill is to be believed.

On what was hopefully a slow news day, one media jockey decided to cause unrest in the Ninian Park bootcamp by regurgitating a week old story:

“Charlton Athletic are missing a prolific marksman - their top scorer in 2003-04 was Jason Euell with 10 - and Earnshaw could fit the bill.” the old hack wrote with the sound of a barrel bottom being scraped echoing in the background.

“And Curbishley fuelled speculation the 23-year-old could be on his way to SE7 by saying he expects to see several new faces at The Valley when his squad reassemble in July”

How can probably the most tenuous of links that could be created, i.e. Charlton expect to buy new players, and the sheer fact that Robert Earnshaw plays football, be described as 'fuelling speculation?'

Bluebirds.tv is more than aware that column inches need to be filled but couldn’t something a little more original be used? There is plenty to be written about the death of Welsh club rugby, especially since the Warriors have now gone to the wall.

Imagine all the valley folk who will readily be vox-popped and proclaim to be ‘devastated’ that another club has tragically died, yet the irony of never setting foot through the Brewery Field or Sardis Road turnstiles in their lives (if recent attendances are anything to go by) will be conveniently ignored?

That would be good for a laugh - expect the 16 page colour pull-out this weekend.

But even if the unthinkable happens: Earnie leaves the club and Bluebirds.tv has to find another player to sponsor and love like its own, contrary to last summer's transfer drought, there appear to be plenty of players literally begging for work at Fortress Ninian.

First up is centre-half Robert Page, current Welsh international and transfer-listed Sheffield United captain:

“If I had the chance I would definitely consider a move - it would be lovely” he said in a tone a little camper than his Rhondda heritage suggests.

"I believe I still have plenty to offer a Division One club".

Bluebirds.tv thinks so too, just not Cardiff.

Next up was Nathan Blake, the prodigal son of Ninian Park. Everyone remembers Blakey for his goal that dumped Premiership side Manchester City out of the FA Cup a decade ago, but the injury-plagued hitman has won an even greater accolade by becoming football’s biggest jinx by suffering five relegations with Sheffield United, Bolton, Blackburn, and this season, Wolves.

When City won promotion to Division One last season, Blake was heavily linked with a return to the club, but opted to try his luck in the Premiership. One goal in 13 appearances later, he was not offered a new contract.

“Of course Cardiff would appeal to me” the out-of-work striker said, “that goes without saying. But we'll wait and see.”

“I just want to play for another couple of seasons and try to win a trophy somewhere. Plus there’s loads of great amusement arcades in the City” he only partly added.

On the way out from the game, Bluebirds.tv witnessed one brazen street trader on Sloper Road flogging bootleg play-off T-shirts. Quite innocuous you may think, apart from they were for City’s 1-0 Millennium Stadium victory against QPR almost a year ago!

Unbelievably, 12 months on, fans can’t part with their hard-earned fast enough for these shoddily-produced keepsakes and as yet another punter crumpled a used fiver into the “street entrepreneur’s” greasy palm, Bluebirds.tv imagined the mobile telephone conversation he was having while accumulating a tidy tax-free sum.

“You were right, Phil (referring to legendary knock-off supplier ‘Phil the Greek’), these mugs will buy any old rubbish!

“Have you still got that other suitcase on the go ‘cos at this rate I’m gonna be empty by Saturday, innit?”

No conversation of this calibre would be complete without throwing in a well-timed “Next year Rodders...”, and with that Bluebirds.tv was ready for another pint.

Bluebirds.tv Transfer Targets

With no money to spend and four squad players (Mark Bonner, Jason Bowen and this week Gavin Gordan and Spencer Prior) shown the door, reinforcements are needed fast, and at bargain basement prices!

Bluebirds.tv is all too aware of the difficulties Cardiff City had attracting players to the club last season, so has taken the initiative to present Lennie Lawrence with a list of potential targets, one in each position, who are all available on free transfers.

Goalkeeper: Andy Marriott
Marriott's arrival would please the "Only sign 'em if their Welsh" brigade at Ninian Park. The experienced keeper has clocked up over 300 appearances for Wrexham, Sunderland and Barnsley, and played in the Premiership for Birmingham (once). Would be a useful player in City's quest for European glory as he now possesses continental savvy following a spell with Portuguese outfit Beira Mar.

Alternatives: Perennial bench-warmer Pegguy Arphexad has played just 16 senior games in four seasons and being asked to keep goal rather than sit down and do nothing in exchange for wages may be expecting too much. Fatties such as Roger Freestone and Kevin Pressman are best avoided, while only the desperate would want Gavin Ward to return to Ninian Park 11 years after he departed for Leicester.

Left Back: Danny Tiatto
Too good an opportunity to miss? Tiatto is a defender who can run at players and possesses the silky skills most wingers can only dream of. He also has a tendency to 'get stuck in', an attribute the City faithful regard higher than things like ability and is guaranteed at least one crowd pleasing red card per season. A current Australian international, he would probably link up well with Tony Vidmar who has been a revelation since signing from Middlesbrough last summer.

Alternatives: Forget about world class players such as Bayern Munich’s Bixente Lizarazou, Christian Ziege from Spurs, and Manchester City free-kick specialist Michael Tarnat signing for City. Peter Kennedy, released by Wigan is a more likely option.

Right Back: Curtis Fleming
The former Republic of Ireland international played in almost half of Crystal Palace's league games this season despite being 36 years of age. The full-back enjoyed an illustrious career at Middlesbrough and clocked up nearly 250 appearances in 10 seasons. Calling him ‘experienced’ would be an understatement and if signed on a one-year contract, he would provide valuable cover down the right and thankfully keep Rhys Weston away from first team duties for another season.

Alternatives: Surprisingly there is a shortage of right backs going for a song this summer, so it’s either Fleming or lower leaguers such as George Abbey (Macclesfield) and Danny Boxall (Brizzle Rovers) who should never be allowed to inflict themselves upon City's first team squad.

Centre Back: Dion Dublin
A former City loan target who chose a temporary switch to Millwall over our fair capital, has been given the boot by Aston Villa. Now approaching the ‘veteran’ stage of his career, Dublin is squeezing a few more miles out of the tank by playing in defence. He has scored over 200 goals as a striker for the likes of Manchester United, Coventry City and of course Villa and would therefore also add some much-needed firepower to the squad.

Centre Back: Jason De Vos
The perfect answer to Lennie’s plea for a “big and ugly” centre back. The 6’4” Canadian powerhouse was sent off twice this season and fits the bill as a player able to “knock people about”. De Vos has scored 15 goals in 87 league appearances for Wigan, mainly from set-pieces, something City have failed to capitalize on time and time again in recent years.

Alternatives: Dublin’s defensive partner at Villa, Ronny Johnsen, has also been axed, while Sheffield United’s Welsh international Robert Page and Manchester City’s Gerard Wiekens have been given the chop. Former Derby defender Taribo West , 30 (but reported to be up to 10 years older), has been released by Partizan Belgrade but is more likely to be tempted by the retirement homes at Middlesbrough or Wolves. Norwich, Derby and Leicester seems a solid pedigree until you find out it’s Spencer Prior and Cardiff released him because he was crap and paid loads.

Left Winger: Lionel Morgan
Once courted by Spurs for £750,000 but has seen his chances of a Premiership move wrecked by injury and is a victim of Wimbledon’s cost cutting measures. Undoubtedly talented and looking for a club to take a chance on him, it’s a similar tale to that of ex-Don Gareth Ainsworth. Bluebirds.tv doesn’t need to remind anybody of what a fan favourite he was at Ninian Park during his short stay at the business end of the 2002/03 season.

Alternatives: Former England internationals Jason Wilcox and John Salako have been released by Leeds and Reading but are both at least a decade older than Morgan. Martin Phillips, the winger once predicted many moons ago by prehistoric manager Alan Ball to be the first £10 million English player has been booted out of Plymouth. But at 28 years of age he should be reaching his peak, such that it is.

Right Winger: Darren Anderton
Bluebirds.tv is of the opinion that you need an occasional glamour signing. They give the fans optimism and renewed hope, but more importantly they divert their attention from the fact the club has no money and work still hasn’t begun on the proposed new stadium. At this level of football, signings don’t come much glitzier than Anderton. By his standards he has stayed injury-free this season and clocked up 20 league appearances plus three more in the Cups. The only stumbling block could be his wages and he’d have to take at least a 50% pay-cut on his reported £20,000 per week salary. However, he could be tempted with an appearance-related bonus package. “You see Mr Anderton, it’s like this. We will give you £X bonus and all you need to do to achieve that is play 23 league games…”. As long as the South Wales Echo isn’t available in North London (or he doesn’t share the same agent as Gareth Whalley), this plan may just be crazy enough to work.

Alternatives: Relegated Leicester no longer require the services of Andy Impey, while Terry “I used to play for Manchester United” Cooke has been released by Sheffield Wednesday.

Central Midfielder: Gareth Farrelly
A player who does the rounds in Division One and incredibly turned out for Burnley, Bradford and Wigan this season. Sooner or later Bluebirds.tv predicts he will end up at Ninian Park. As a left footer, he would add balance to central midfield and consign Gareth Whalley to being the reserve team’s highest earner on £6,000 per week. Capped six times by the Republic of Ireland, he would link up well with Graham Kavanagh.

Central Midfielder: Mark Kinsella
A classy Ireland international with over 40 caps to his name, and given the choice of two, a better signing than Farrelly. Bluebirds.tv was disappointed City didn’t sign Kinsella when he was made available by Aston Villa and Midlands neighbours West Brom snapped him up until the end of the season. He made 15 starts for the Baggies, scoring one goal and would add strength and quality to City’s shaky midfield. Again the Irish connection with Graham Kavanagh could only be beneficial. Sign him Lennie!

Alternatives: Many old-timers who fall into the ‘used to be good’ category have been handed their P45s this summer. Leeds hardman David Batty, ex-Chelsea and Spurs goalscorer Gustavo Poyet, Sheffield Wednesday’s Robbie Mustoe and Walsall deserter Vinny Samways are all available. Ex-City target Paul McLaren has been turfed out at Sheffield Wednesday while Richard Langley’s old midfield partner at QPR, Stuart Wardley, has been released by Rushden & Diamonds.

Striker: Paul Heffernan
Future Republic of Ireland star Heffernan enjoyed his best season yet, firing in 21 goals for relegated Notts County. Not relishing the prospect of dungeon football, he is not renewing his contract but at just 22-years-old, a transfer-scuppering compensation payment will be required.

Striker: Delroy Facey
The former Huddersfield wonderkid didn’t get much of a look-in at either Bolton or West Brom, but scoring five goals in 12 starts on loan for struggling Burnley proves he can cut it at first division level. With Gavin Gordon shown the door and young Stuart Fleetwood not ready for a run in the side there is a requirement for a new striker and Bluebirds.tv thinks City could do a lot worse than Facey.

Alternatives: Welshman and one-time City target Iwan Roberts, who made an International career for himself by coming on for the last five minutes of each game has been released by Norwich after seven years service. Andy Liddell, another player released by Wigan is a viable target. Georgi Hristov didn’t find the womenfolk in Barnsley up to much so Bluebirds.tv dreads to think what he’ll make of the munters who frequent St. Mary’s Street each weekend. Only a crazy person would bank on a return to Ninian Park for either Kevin Nugent or Paul Brayson, released by their respective clubs, Swansea and Cheltenham.

Penalty King to Arrive at Ninian Park?

Speculation is rife that Darren Carter, made famous by scoring THE penalty that sent Birmingham into the Premiership a couple of years ago is wanted at Ninian Park.

In return for bringing top flight and a realistic chance of European football to the city and luring class players like Christophe Dugarry and Matthew Upson to St. Andrews, as well as prologing Jamie Clapham's Premiership career, young Carter has barely kicked a ball for the club since and is keen on a season-long loan move.

"I would definitely be up for a loan move to Cardiff" pleaded Carter before referring to his copy of Stock Responses to Talk Up Prospective Employers:

"Big club...." blah blah blah.... "sure they will be challenging for promotion next season..." heard it all before... "great fan-base..." but of course... and end with the standard line of "always hearing good things about a club which has Premiership ambitions...".

"Plus, I scored a penalty once" he may or may not have added.

Andy Campbell, who could be concerned for his position as City's one-trick pony, was unavailable for comment.

Bluebirds.tv in Major Transfer Coup!

Bluebirds.tv was cordially invited to last night's sponsors bash and while not particularly interested in watching a sullen-faced Gareth Whalley posing for photographs with Gromitt & Sons Ltd, attending the draw for 2004-05 player sponsorship was top of the evening's priorities.

To prevent certain companies from monopolising the best players by continuing their sponsorship year-in-year-out and leaving the rest to scrap over reserves and youngsters, some clever dick in Marketing decided an exciting 'FA Cup Third Round' style draw was the way forward, with players names and prospective sponsors being drawn together at random.

With an away kit sponsorship for any of the 25 first-team squad on the horizon, Bluebirds.tv felt like a damp-knickered teenager at a Westlife concert as the names were drawn out of the hat.

"Chris Barker", "Arran Lee Barrett", the rollcall began. Phew, at least we didn't get lumbered with the third choice keeper. "Peter Thorne"... shit! Bluebirds.tv grimaced as it saw the 25/1 shot that was sponsoring Thorney go down the pan.

And so the draw went on. Classy first team players that Bluebirds.tv would quite happily be associated with were read out much to the delight of other sponsors: "Richard Langley", "Tony Vidmar", "Danny Gabbidon".

Then IT happened. 'Robert Earnshaw'.

Fuelled by alcohol and the smugness that goes with the knowledge that other sponsors have played this game for years and have never pulled off a coup this large, Bluebirds.tv let out a huge cheer that caught the room's full attention.

After the draw was completed, old man Lennie (Lawrence) commented on how happy certain sponsors were with their respective players, but added fuel to the raging inferno that is Eanshaw's Ninian Park future by hinting that certain players may be plying their considerably talented trade elsewhere before kick off in August.

"But we'll be signing a third string keeper so you'll be alright" he joked, momentarily glancing up from his bumper book of well spun yarns to look in Bluebirds.tv's direction.

While Arran Lee Barrett made that all important phone call to his agent, Bluebirds.tv took another gulp of watery-tasting Fosters and asked outrightly: "Dropping any hints there Lennie?"

"No, no", was the nervous reply that came out of his mouth faster than Leslie Grantham can log into a webcam-enabled chatroom, so Bluebirds.tv (and in all likelihood Cardiff City) is still none the wiser on the little fella's future.

But now is not the time to worry about such matters. Bluebirds.tv has made THE corporate signing of the summer. Bar none. Well, maybe apart from Thorney.

So here we are. A new website. Robert Earnshaw and another season of (the Football League's) top flight football. Roll on August....